Goodbye 2009. Hello 2010!

It is reflection time again. 2009 had been a good rollercoaster ride and I guess I've grown more matured from the experiences. 2009.. 2009.. Let's look at it from different aspects of my plain, plain life.

Studies -
Well, nothing gets easier as you climb up the academic ladder. Of course, I've considered many possibilities and opportunities and I still lack the guts to pursue them. I just got to keep studying harder and put in my 101% so that I'll never have to regret again. This is afterall, the final lap of my entire education life. =)

Work -
I'm glad that I took up the challenge of being a relief teacher. Although students drive me mad all the time, it is one of the best experiences I had thus far and I still talk about it a lot with my mom about teaching. The simple-minded and yet mature students do give me perspectives of life sometimes and teaching has helped me reflected a lot upon myself as a person. All those leadership qualities that I've learned in NPCC are idealistic ideas. However, when comes to real life situations, ideals cannot work anymore. At the end of the day, we have to be strong and flexible enough to work around situations and of course, ideals work as guidelines instead. =)

Relationship -
It has its fair share of downturns. It has met its breaking point before. It has bounced back from its breaking point before. It is probably telling me something. Oh well, everything takes two hands to clap and although balance is hard to strike, it is still important to have some idea of fairness and contributions coming from both sides. I believe we'll pull through this. =)

Friendship -
Many say that friends come and go. I am happy that I do keep many of them close by my side. So many years have gone by and they still choose me to stick around with. At least I do feel pretty alright about myself because of that. Thank you friends, for choosing me to be your friend. =)

Family -
My family has always been a great support especially my mom. On sucky days when I don't wish to talk to anyone at home, my mom would just bring soup to my room anyway. And she has been the support for the family and is one person I truly cannot live without. Of course, both my parents are...aging and health ailments are coming up. So, a bit of worry here and there, hospital scares.. I guess it made me appreciate more. =)

New Year Resolution 2010
1. To cultivate self control and be less impulsive.
2. To be more patient with myself and others.
3. To spend more time at home with my family.
4. To spend more time with him.
5. To spend more time with friends.
6. To continue to strive in studies.
7. To keep a regular exercise regime.
8. To eat healthily and take care of my own health.

Yupp. I'll keep my list short and less ambitious. Happy 2010 everyone! (:

The concept of love.

Hello! Haha, I'm in such good mood today. Went swimming after knowing that tuition got cancelled this morning. Hit the pool twice in a row and the endorphins are rushing in my bloodstream. It feels awesome!

My best friend, has good timing once in a while. Just when I was feeling rather uncertain and down, bestie called up to ask for some chill-out session at the playground. It feels really good to have a neighbourhood friend! At least I don't have to think about dressing up or what for meet ups. Haha, can totally go down with oversized tee-shirt with holes and baggy shorts. Anyway, yeah we starting talking about stuff and also touched on relationship issues. We shared our views (or rather, he shared his view) on this matter and I shared with him the problem that bothered me earlier on. Well, sometimes it really helps to open up to someone who is able to give you perspectives.

As usual, I'm awed by that. I sometimes care too much about the superficialities that I overlooked that basis of issues. I also tend to undermine what others can do and have done for me and amplified my own efforts for others. That is really bad and I should learn to be humble. Even with comes to the boyfriend. I realised how difficult a person I am and yet he remains tolerant of me again and again. I needed perspectives to realise his love for me! Gosh, what kind of person does that?

Are women just as superficial as men?
Women's superficiality comes in the form of diamonds and sparkling gems. Men's superficiality comes in the form of pretty faces and boobs.

A longgg time!!!

Hello hello!! It has been such long time since I last posted anything! I finally have got some time for myself and it is awesome! Yayness. Right now, I'm waiting for my mom to get the milk from market so that I can bake something..like finally! Woohoo!

Last I saw my posts were emo ones. No worries, the drama and emo episodes are pretty much over! Yup, we decided to stay so yeap. Everything's been fine thus far and hope it will be! =)

Anyway, I've been in a "mock long distance relationship". Haha! He's at Taiwan (again) for some army exercise and I thought that its a good time for me to pretend that we're in a LDR just in case I decided to go Aussie afterall. Of course, that will be nothing like a mere 3 weeks separation.

Speaking of Aussie, I recently feel really inferior of my classmates. I think they are not just hardworking but they are really able to think beyond what's being taught and most importantly, appropriately express their thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm really on par anymore. Oh wells.

I've been looking at Mid-Term scholarships and then again, I'm in my own way thinking of the negativities and weighing my own stand amongst the local students. But I guess I'll just thicken my skin and just give it a shot. Cos only then I'll really know my stand right? If not, I doubt I'll ever have the money to even complete honours if I ever have the chance to.

Well oh well, sometimes I wish I just have to worry just about my studies. What the adults said was true in the past when education was more affordable. Because as adults, there's so much more things to consider and responsible adults tend to be less self-centered and that leads to even more things to be put on the consideration list.

Life is not unfair. It's just the way we work with our limits.

Ponteng

This must have been the best decision I've made this week.
Decided to skip class tonight and spend the time to clear my lab reports.
Of course, I've cleared them. (:
Now, I'm in the midst of printing out endless journal articles for Literature Review that is due on Monday.
Too many things have been going on recently and tonight, I felt that the dust finally settled.
I realised that I'm too, tired for anything right now.
I guess, I just want to focus on helping my Olevel students graduate, helping Sec2/3 students promote and doing well in my own studies.
Only then, I can think of other stuff.

My heart will not change. I just need a break.

It felt so right.

Second year anniversary.
We decided to separate for a while to re-evaluate the relationship again.
To find ourselves, for a longer commitment. Or not.
To seek the personal space that we've forgotten about.
My heart is filled with much sadness and uncertainities.
But knowing that this is good for a longer run, I feel resurrected again.
I'm not sure how it will turn out to be, but I'm sure we'll come up with something we'll both be happy about.
We always do.

My best friend Sarah told me that your partner may not be the best girl/boy. You may meet people better than her/him, but how sure are you that the better ones are best for you? Do you want to take the risk to go for the better and ruin what you have now?

I felt so perfect in your arms. At that moment, I wondered to myself, why are we even doing this?

Emotional.

Have you been through any point in your life where you think you are able to see clearer about facts and truths of life?

I laughed it off. One day of emotional turmoil and the next day, I laughed it off. Suppressing the pain in my heart, the many many doubts that I questioned about myself and the world and pushing blame to myself to make myself feel better. I came up with theories, put in theories that I've learnt from Psychology textbooks and thought positively about the entire matter. Truth is, how do I really feel about this whole incident? I don't know. Because I seemed to be too indulged in self-fulfilling prophecies and probably living in denial to hide away my emotions. One day of turmoil like this is enough because my life cannot stop. There are way too many repercussions if I let myself stop.

Right now, I can't hear my thoughts. I can't tell what my heart says. I can't comprehend the facts. I want to make it right but where do I start?

"You can never know the (T)ruth about the world..and what can you do about it?"

With the last bit of pride left, please just ignore this post.

Breathe.. Di.. Breathe..

Finally I have a free day for myself! Not exactly free but at least I can idle around in the afternoon and take my time to go to school later. I've been very caught up with school, tuitions and lectures. Let me slowly fill you in.

Yea, morning lesson. I'm teaching NA and NT Sec 2 Math and I must say its been challenging. I'm not very, very good at controlling the class and keeping them quiet. I think I really did a lousy job for those 2 classes that I'm taking now. But, deep down, I wasn't angry with them at all. I just feel really disappointed and upset that those kids who really want to study but can't study well because I have to stop once in a while to keep the class quiet before continuing. It is really hard to keep the balance of maintaining discipline and at the same time getting your job done.

Therefore, I always offer my after school time to clarify their doubts and even do their homework with them so that they can grasp the concept right. I feel that I had to do all those to give them back the time I've lost while maintaining discipline in class. Of course, at the end of the day, I feel happy everytime as students are interested in learning after all.

But, staying back after school will only mean that I have shorter/no rest time in the intermission time between my school and tuitions. At times, I had only 15 minutes to bathe and get out of my house for tuition right after coming back from school. Tutoring requires me to focus and sometimes I find myself raising my voice in my tutee's house because I forgot to adjust from my usual loud volume in school to one-to-one coaching. Hahaha.

Oh well, after tuition is always the usual, going for lectures and by then, I had to muster up all I have left to focus and absorb as much as I can in class, since I really do not have much time left for revision.

Weekends are just as busy as my weekdays. Saturday mornings are always booked for tuition and thankfully my afternoon and night are free for going out. Sunday, 3 sessions of tuition and tennis training at night. So before I know it, Monday waves to me again.

I really feel like letting go of some tutees but most of them are very earnest in learning and the only thing that I can do for them is to teach and make them learn better. Especially when I clearly know that school is sometimes not the best environment for learning academic syllabus but is an awesome environment for learning all sorts of nonsense.

It is an irony that I'm a tutor as well as a teacher.
At times, I hate myself as a tutor when my student said that he doesn't want to listen in class cos his tutor has taught him the topic before.
At times, I hate myself as a teacher because I know that in this kind of environment nowadays, engaging a tutor seems like a must in order to do well in school.

Sometimes, there is only this much that I can do. I wish I can do much more. Much, much more.

This could be an avenue.